Hamburger Helplessness

"I don't know why they call it Hamburger Helper, Clark, it does just fine on its own!"

I wonder how many Americans knew what the hell Cousin Eddie was talking about when he said that on the original "National Lampoon's Vacation" back in 83? I damn sure knew.

I have been down with the helper for as long as I can remember. That does not mean that I love it, it just means I have always been broke. Even during short times when things were "high cotton" around my place, there was always room for the four-fingered bastard to slip into a greasy pan on my stove. I have tried every one of the complex flavors that the helper is coming with these days. They all taste exactly the same- like the box they came in, add salt. If you disagree, then you are a rich jackass that probably does not even know how to turn your water back on after the man shuts it off for not paying the bill. I think what I'm trying to say is, the helper belongs to the poor.

The other day, I saw a funny commercial. It was a nice black family, talking about how much they love to eat some Hamburger Helper, and then just sit around the table and talk about all the exciting things they did that day. You know, how they went to work, or to look for work, then came home and prayed to Jesus that the lights were still on. Then, another commercial came on following that one (back to back, actually). It was a wealthy white family, sitting in front of a lap-top, trying to figure out how to manage their kid's cell phone minutes. As the parents were talking, the kid's were shown outside the window, washing the family's new Volvo while wearing Ipod's and squirting water on each other. I thought it was really cool. Lets not bullshit each other with who the helper serves. Betty-Crocker brands does not, and they never have. They serve folks like me, usually broke, usually hungry, willing to eat high quantity crap as long as it has some kind of cheese melted on it. That's me, and most people I know, and the kind of people I want to enjoy this blog. Besides, the Natural Light will carry most anything along. And if you don't know what Natural Light is, then get out of my blog, you rich jackass.

The Proof

Here's the proof that I still eat like I have a death wish. Its a "tagged and bagged" chili cheese dog, from the gas station. Looks like shit in a plastic bag, tastes like heaven. I washed it down with a gas station nacho, cheese, chili and jalapeno mixture in a paper bowl. You know it-

And this, my brothers, is called "chicken stew"- It is homemade by a good friend of mine, who amazingly enough, is an awesome cook though completely lacking a sense of smell. I don't know how he does it. He periodically releases a "batch" of the stew (following some marker on a lunar calender, I believe) and hand delivers it to his chosen people. My entire family gets giddy when they know its coming. The photo is not blurred- I had drank about eight of those PBR's and as far as I know, this is what it actually looked like. Awesome.

The King And I

Just raggin' on the "King" this week. First, B.K. has a new french fry and ketchup flavored potato chip on the market- photo above. Funny, because the last time I bought fries from Burger King, they taste like stale potato chips! Weired. Also, I noticed that written across the bottom of the drive through menu board, is "picture menu available at the window" which is for people who are illiterate to "point" to the item they want to purchase. I don't know what is more hilarious, the idea that there would be one person in this country who does not know what they sell at Burger King well enough to order without a menu, or that someone who could not read the word "Whopper" could read THE DAMN MESSAGE ABOUT THE PICTURE MENU!!!!

Ten Years Later

I heard last week that "Jerod" from Subway sandwiches has been going on about that sandwich diet for ten years now. That is a shit-load of "sweet onion teriyaki sauce" for anyone to have to eat. He still travels around the country (world?) showing all the folks his giant pants he used to wear, before he sold his soul for the six inch combo.

I don't know how he did it, but I have an idea. I hate Subway. I will eat it if I'm dragged in one, but I NEVER just go in one on my own. The entire joint smells like the sandwich. Or does the sandwich smell like the place? Its a bit of a "chicken or egg" riddle to me. Either way, they suck. My point is, if you knew you could be taken care of just by eating only one type of food, how could you NOT lose weight? And if, say, that food sucked, well then, your success is guaranteed! I like Jerod though. He lost all that weight, and never let it go to his head. He is still just as big a pud as he ever was, although, in his "fat pictures" he seems to look just a little cooler?

"Hearty" never is.

Just a quick thought- I was in the grocery store last night, and I noticed something. I will go as far as saying that nearly everything in the store that is described by the maker as "hearty" is most likely bad for your heart. And pretty much anything you could make on your own that could be called "hearty" is also clogging your arteries. Just seems a tad ironic to me. Also, anything that Paula Dean cooks, or suggests cooking, is hearty, and therefore killing anyone who eats it. I'm not saying its not the absolute best food, I'm just saying that, if you are trying to lower your cholesterol or lose weight, you don't have to flip the can over to look at the calories or fat. Just look on the label for the word "hearty" and if you see it, put the can down. In the words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that"

Launching the Fleet

I think tonight, I'm going to launch the fleet. That's when you go buy a shit load of cocktail wienies, and a can of pop-up biscuits. I like to use "Little Smokies" all beef wienies. I have found that brand of can biscuits does not really matter much. They are all pretty much the same. Anyway, you just pull a little piece of the biscuit of the roll, about the size of a half dollar, and roll the wienie in it. There are enough little sausages in one pack, and enough biscuit in one can, to create a fleet you can go to war with. Use it all up. Get yourself a bottle of Texas Pete honey mustard to dip them in. Its not my favorite mustard, but on these, it is the best for some reason. Arrange the pigs-in-blankets in fighter formation across the pan like planes on a carrier deck in the oven.

Just set it to 350 and pull them out when they start to brown a bit. Pour a little mustard on your plate, and get to it. See how many you can eat, then try to eat more than that. Awesome.

Cha Cha Cha Changes!

Weired. I have not eaten sweets for my entire life. Not candy really, and certainly not cake, cookies, etc. Now, all of a sudden, I have a real interest in anything to do with a dessert. I cant get enough of the crap. My Doctor said that I do not have the "sugar" as my Grandmother would say, which is diabetes. So, I can not figure it out. Oh well, I am now going in the kitchen to grab a Little Debbie cake. Y'all let me know if this happened to you, or someone you know. Yesterday I sprayed chocolate whip cream on a cup of coffee.

Too Far

I have seen crazy supplement and substitute pills before, but this takes the cake! For Gods sakes, just drink the damn wine!!! More to come-

Congratulations, your Fat!

Just a quick note here, I heard on the "news" this morning that someone is auctioning "Tony Soprano's" clothing from the show. A few lucky (and rich) people will be able to bid on the various items, from suits to bathrobes. Ewww. I can see it now, some fat, rich guy, getting his ass beat because he thought that wearing the suit would make him a bad-ass. Sad. It will just make you a fat guy, in another fat guy's clothing. Hey, who ate all tha gobba-goo??!!

Before and After

Ever lost a woman to a diet? I don't mean she overdosed on Zenadrene and died, I mean lost her fucking mind, and left your ass? It happens. I don't think its just a woman thing, but I have never seen it happen with a guy. The problem is, that woman cant just lose weight, and be happy about that. They have to change their entire life, over a few dress sizes. I think there are probably a lot of guy's around, with wives that maybe had a baby, blew up on the scale, and never came back. These dudes always give them crap for it, and get all giddy when they (the wife) finally decide to get on a program. The problem is, a lot of times the last few pounds they shed is your goofy ass. They suddenly have people all around them, telling them how beautiful they are, and how strong they must be to have done something so challenging. They have gone through an amazing metamorphosis, with new clothes, hair, habits, interests, etc., and there you are, sitting right where they left you. You look the same. You smell the same. You suck the same as you did when she was 260. You, Sir, are sweating to the Oldies, not her.

If she goes on a program you better get your ass up, and get brand new. Its the only way. Oh yeah, here's another little jewel on this subject; you are also at fault for letting her get that big. That's right- you were fine with her the way she was. Well, that's why it wont work now. You getting this? Pearls. And God help you if she is using ANY diet drugs along the way. They will add crazy/manic to the whole picture, and push all the unavoidable changes you have to suffer along even faster. Good luck!

Beware "The Wrench"

First of all, I have effectively beaten high cholesterol. I don't really know what "effectively" means, but I hear it all the time on the news. Anyhoo, I have kicked the shit out of cholesterol. I got that 427 (see last post) down to a wimpy 166. You don't even want to know the crap I had to eat to do it. When you have to steer around fast food restaurants for a while, they seem sparkling and new when you DO get back in one. Kind of like your first day out of prison. I was standing in a, well, they are so powerful that I'm afraid to say the name without license. Lets just say, it rhymes with "Nick-Na-Lay" and leave it at that. You see, this particular restaurant is known in the south as one of the highest order of the fast food product. They generally don't mess around, and when you place an order, you know it is right. Must be the extra rest they get by not being open on Sunday. Well, I have considered asking them how they go about the hiring process, strictly from a scientific standpoint. I have noticed for years that they always seem to get the best people in the business. Its like, they find people so good, they should NEVER be in fast food, but they are.

Its as though they go down to the local high school, pick the best looking, and hardest working kids, then hypnotise them. They convince them that placing the pickle on the bun is their higher calling, and viola! They got em. I mean, these folks know their shit. I was standing in one the other day, as I mentioned before, and saw an infiltrator among their ranks. I don't know how she got in there, but she was in. I could tell she was wearing a "wire" and was bent on destroying that perfect Nick-Na-Lay. You see, this toxic "drama-bot" is able to worm her way into any restaurant. They come in, speaking the lingo, and wiping tables down as they interview. The manager is weakened by the razzle-dazzle, and agrees to allowing to host the parasite without even realising what has transpired. The next thing you know, your perfect little joint is reduced to the bottom shelf of the industry. Your Nick-Na-Lay is now, a "Nardees". The cute little girls that used to smile at you every morning are now green with morning sickness, and pregnant as hell. The boys who used to hold contests to see who could lift the most sacks of french fries, and helped each other fill out their college applications at break time are now stuffing their pockets with anything not nailed down, and giving each other prison tattoos in the deep freezer. Mayhem. This person, this infection, I will call the "wrench". The living and breathing monkey wrench of destruction, hell bent on the fall of all industry. They just walk by your large Diet Coke, and it turns into a small "Mountain Pepper". It will not even have a name. Your double cheese turns to fish, and all the napkins come out of the bag. They hate you, and the negativity fills the air like onion ring steam. These people are sent from neighboring fast food places, like a virus. I wanted to ask the manager to come outside, and try to warn them, but the "wrench" had already spotted me. Make no mistake, if they catch you, they will kill you. Or worse, they will send one of the three "big hitters" for your ass, and you don't want that.

Next time you are in a fast food restaurant that is absolutely falling apart, for no apparent reason, see if you can spot the "wrench". But, be careful.

427?

427 is a great number, when your talking about a classic muscle car engine. It is not a great number, however, when your talking about your cholesterol count. That's the number I rolled, as many of you know, last time I had it checked. It has forced me to stop eating the foods I love, and pretty well wrecked my food blog. One the other hand, I have lost thirty pounds, and maybe prolonged the onset of the heart attack my Doctor promised me. I'm not going to change this site around, and start trying to convert everyone to whole grain. I'm going to keep it the way it started, and glorify the real food we eat. I have just not been posting here, because, well, who the hell wants to talk about dieting? I have to get my re-test again next week, to see if I am doing anything other than losing weight. Either way, I'm back. Thanks for checking in-

"This here is the ORIGINAL-

I went to Florence, S.C. a few weeks ago. I ate in a place called "Shane's Rib Shack" and it was awesome. Had the best "greens" I have EVER HAD. They put something in them, honey or molasses or something sweet like that. When I got ready to leave, I noticed a sign on the wall (literally a metal street sign) that mentioned that the original Shane's Rib Shack was in McDonough, Georgia. I lived there for years, and never saw a Shane's. I Googled that shit, and sure enough, five "Shane's" in McDonough. I don't know how long they have been there, but I have never seen one. I think its funny how many restaurants you see that claim to be either the "Original", or one of hundreds. I imagine the pre-opening banter between the older employees, and the new guy. "Hey!, that shit may fly over at Sweeney's Hot Salad to Go number 32, but not here at Original Sweeney's!" "We put on the paper hat, but we cock it to one side like Ol' Fred did when he opened the place thirty God Damn years ago next April!" That's what I'm thinking when I'm eating them greens, which again, were incredible.

Takes a minute, but worth it-

Easy as pie. Get all the crap to make tacos, except the shells and shredded cheese. Then, grab a bag of the Tostito's "scoops" chips. Cook the meat and taco mix, then, with a spoon, pour little bits of the meat in the chips like tiny bowls. Either carefully dab on a spot of sour cream, or put it in a sandwich baggie. Tear off a corner, and squeeze it onto the tiny snack. Last, crack open a can of "Easy Cheese" and squirt a dab on each little bite of heaven. Top it with a spoon of your favorite salsa. Make an honest shit-load of them, we used half a bag of the chips, and you have a party. Miniature taco salads- hell yeah.

Get it?

Get it? College Inn- Collagen. You know, boiled chicken fat? Broth? Oh well. I just thought it was funny. I know something not so funny, my cholesterol level. 400+. My Doctor said I can go ahead and plan for a "cardiac event" in the very near future. She said most likely before I'm forty. I told her I was already 38, and she looked me in the eye and said "I know how old you are". Wow. I admitted, it's the gravies. I told her that I am the "MacGyver" of gravies. I could make a gravy out of a cup of tap water and a ball of yarn. She no longer subscribes to my brand of humor. She gave me three months to fix it, or I have to go on the drugs. I don't know what to do. Damn you gravy, damn you.

I Lost The Damn Picture!

I took an awesome picture the other night, at the grocery store, of a new microwavable "sack"
of cheeseburgers. It looked so crazy, although I don't really know why. White castles and Krystal's have been selling frozen burgers in a box for a while, and I have even dared to eat them. Delicious. Although, anyone who has EVER bought a Krystal burger at 0630 in the a.m. knows that you have already tried them microwaved. And for my real Krystal lovers out there, they were probably microwaved and served up through the drive through window by a six foot tall, 250lb black transvestite named "Mizz Kandee". They should let me do those commercials, instead of a bunch of bubble head college girls, that had ONE Krystal , One time. Anyway, I have lost my point. I also lost my picture. I did not, however, lose this picture:

This is a nice shot, sent to me by some good friends of mine. Its a canned cheeseburger. I know they sent it to several people to laugh at it and be disgusted, but they know why they sent it to me. I would still, even though it looks like it was dipped in window caulking, give it a day in court. It is made it seems, in Europe, and looks like it was possibly canned for hikers. I have ate some freeze dried, high end, camping/hiking food that was incredible. I poured hot water in a bag of what looked like saw dust, and poured out some of the best God Damned chicken an dumplings you ever ate. Hard to believe. Hers a picture of the can, opened. Note the sesame seeds:

Here's the money shot, the burger pulled open. Wow. That's nasty.

Still, I would at least try it. I mean, hell, my Dad will eat sardines (whole) in mustard sauce out of a can, like its fillet Mignon.

Bad Ass

I got to lay this one on you folks- Get a pack of this Knorr Au Jus mix. On the back, they have a recipe for Steak Marsala. My daughter and I made the dish, and followed the recipe completely, except we used white wine instead of Marsala. It was unbelievable.

So THAT'S how they do it!

If you are like me, you have probably wondered- "How do vegans smoke so much weed, but stay sooo thin?" Well, after being invited to some sort of hippy festival last weekend, I realized the answer has always been right in front of my face. You can smoke all the weed you want, and stay in a ravenous food frenzy, twenty-four seven. You just have to surround yourself with shitty food! I saw a few people sharing what looked like wet birdseed in a paper towel, trying to act like they could swallow it. It is all clear to me now. You can own several bongs, wear clothes covered in Rasta style weed-leaf what not, and even made of hemp. You can walk around pulling an I.V. bag of pure THC. You just have to maintain a diet that would make an Ethiopian laugh at you. Need a snack to kill those pesky munchies? Try putting some mud in an old brown paper lunch bag. Twist it up tight, and call it a vegan churro! Not a fan of Mexican? Try this. Buy a Chia Head kit. Mix the seed paste in tepid water, and scrape it into a sandwich baggie. Carry it in your unwashed armpit for most of the day. When you get hungry, just bite off a corner of the bag, and squeeze! Awesome! Don't forget, a true vegan can't eat any food that casts a shadow. Have fun kids, I have to go deal with a couple dozen pigs-in-blankets.

Some Foods will Make You Gay, Part 2?

Hate to keep bringing shit up, but damn. Are these foods named by people in America? Thats a sweet, salty nut.

Have I Died and Gone to Mexico?

I have said time and time again, that I don't have a problem with Mexicans. I have never been personally wronged by any Hispanic person. I am slowly learning to speak Spanish, and I love Spanish/Cuban/Mexican food. All that being said, I don't know why I hate this whole "Dora the Mexican Explorer" phenom. I don't think that Hispanic children are buying all this crap, are they? If you know better, let me know. I have been dodging the little brown freak with the incredibly annoying cartoon voice all Christmas season. She is in every area of every department store. From the toy aisle, to clothing, to furniture. She is in the decorating aisle of Home Depot and Lowe's, with the paint and shit. Tonight, I was assaulted once again, by this tiny nail in my skull, at the grocery store. What does she have to do with canned corn? Do the advertisers think Dora's face will make children want to tear into a can of Shoe peg? When I saw the can, I thought about the Mexicans who planted, harvested, and probably canned the contents. Out there, busting that ass for less than a buck an hour. Maybe that's the intent? I don't know. I do know that it did not make me want to eat corn. It made me feel sorry for Mexicans. Not the ones in the field, working for pennies. The ones who made it through, started a life in America, and became successful. Then got in their nice car, and went to Publix- where advertisers put pictures of cartoon Mexicans on a can of corn. That's comedy.