It is the Distant Future-

I'm sorry, I was trying to find a nice "Lucinda console" type to look more futuristic. It is the distant future. All forms of cooking appliances including ovens, stove or range tops both gas or electric, woks and other steamers, even a simple toaster have been replaced. Replaced by the clean, modern, microwave. Nothing says delicious like a fourteen pound turkey, swirling and popping while basking in high frequency radiation. Mmmm. Put a wad of paper towels under it so you can catch all that gravy, and wring it out into a bowl. Nasty. What the hell was wrong with people in the eighties? I remember when my Grandpa bought one for my Grandmother for Christmas. We all huddled around it, talking excitedly about how fast we could cook now. The best part of a microwave, in my opinion, has always been the thousands of microwave "cook books" that came out when the device did. I love to thumb through the futuristic looking pages, reading about how to slam a rack of lamb in there for a few minutes, and have it pop out dressed for success. All capped and shit. We thought it was going to be like the Jetsons, like you maybe did not even have to put anything in it to get food to come out. Wow. The one I have now came with buttons on it to represent what food you were cooking. It has buttons for simple stuff like pop corn, and then goes nuts with buttons for lobster and shit. "Hey Baby, how bout' tossing a couple of those fresh Maine lobsters off in the microwave for dinner?" "Slam the door quick so they don't haul ass." I swear I have two uses for mine. Heating bottles or heating hot dogs. That's it. It has a button for the baby bottle, and I have seen them with the hot dog button. I wish it had a teleport button, so I could get back to the eighties and laugh at all the excited people buying them for Christmas gifts.

By the way:

The first microwave came out for commercial use in 1947. It was like everything in the forties, about six feet tall and 5000 pounds. The one in the picture below came out in 67, and I have even owned this model. I suspect that the big eighties microwave boom must have been about advertising, considering they certainly were not new. Also, early tests proved that they leak radiation (my pop had one that you could see through the crack in the door) but the FDA just "changed the standard" and decided a 20 second hot dog was more important than your health. I agree.

Some Foods will Make You Gay

I don't really believe that, but you will at least sound gay asking for them. Ever since the creation of the "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity" breakfast combo at Ihop, it seems as though it makes the advertisers laugh to make people say stupid shit to get the food they want. We have been taught that men cant drink bar drinks with fruit in them. Or umbrellas. And I feel funny even asking for my Red Lobster Admirals Feast broiled, instead of deep fried. Same goes for cotton candy. Corn dogs, or pretty much anything on a stick. Yogurt is OK, I guess, but it has many stupid names given to it. Granola bars, and most fruit. Bananas are the worst, phallic I guess. I always want a side salad, but rarely ask for it. ALL DESERTS ARE GAY. Same goes for any food with the name "oodles" in it. "Oodles of nuts!"

I go to lunch with the guys I work with. I pay attention to the waitress, and when you order something girly, they always laugh or make some crude and insensitive comment. Not the guys, the waitress. This tells me that I am correct. "I want the turkey Minis, and the salad bar" and "can I get asparagus spears instead of fries with it?" This may make you feel good about your health, and how good you will look when you start losing the weight. It WILL make you look good- like a pretty little girl. Long live grease. And I don't mean the musical.

I don't know why Americans are getting so fat. I mean, if you cant slam a few deep fried, sugar
dusted pieces of cheese cake whenever you feel like it, and still stay slim, then I just give up.
If I'm not laying the sarcasm on thick enough, let me just say this. If the fast food restaurants
put deep fried pork fat in a container with Spiderman on the side, people would eat it. We already have fried fat, its called cracklings, or pork rinds. So I'm not going to blame it on the industry anymore. The guy that made the movie "Supersize Me" was looking in the wrong direction. We all know what this kind of diet will do to you, we just don't know why we keep eating it anyway.