Krystals for Dinner?

I have been enjoying "Krystal burgers" for as long as I can remember. I'm talking about back when they had those weird blob/walrus looking things for mascots, and gave out those heart shaped, smiley faced bumper stickers. That's way back. I have been told that they have many things on the menu these days, but I never look at it, so I wouldn't know. I roll up on them at least once a week, at around 0745, and hit em' for the number 1 combo. That's four cheese Krystal's, fries, and Coke. I have done this for so long, that I cant imagine eating Krystal's for lunch or dinner. That would be like sitting down after a long day to a bowl of oatmeal. Gross. I know I'm not the only one, because I'm never alone in the drive through, and I can here one or two other folks ordering the same thing. Its the "Krystal Lovers Combo" and it rocks. The only problem is that Krystal's is one of those joints that does not (as far as I can tell) salt the fries. So you try to add it, but you know once the grease has cooled, the salt just rolls off. Otherwise, they are the complete shit. By the way, you may notice in the photo that I'm driving. That's my 76 F100 Ford pickup, running about 80 up I95. That's how I "do" breakfast. Right after I snapped this picture, the wind caught the burger, flipped the top off, and flung the mustard covered pickle onto my shirt.

Just Wanted to Eat, Not Learn Your Way of Life-

Went to a burger joint the other day, called "Five Guys Burgers". It was ok, that's all I can give them. What was funny though, was that the second I walked in, the "fourth" guy behind the counter asked me if I had ever been in there. I said no, reluctantly, because I knew where it was going. This was one of these joints where, the first few times you come in they have to train you on how to get the food out of them. They cant just stand there, and let you place a simple order. They have to have a busy-ass way of doing everything. I thought about all the other places I had ever been that were like that.

I was in a Popeye's Chicken (I know) at the airport in Atlanta, that made you take your receipt to a different area in the restaurant to "pick up" your drink. If you lost your receipt while shuffling all your luggage and the solid portions of your lunch over there, you were shit out of luck on the drink. I still don't understand what that was all about. Atlanta. Now that I think about it, Atlanta has the Varsity restaurant, where the whole "Have your order in your head, and your money in your hand" may have started. Because if you don't, or you stutter at the point of sale, they will just go on to the next person.

A bunch of these new burrito bar type places are like that. They start yelling at you the moment you walk in, and want you to have the menu and production process memorized before you actually get hungry and head over there to eat. I find it stressful. I seem to remember a place like that, that I use to eat in. I ate there for about eight weeks, and I'm sure I don't want to eat there again. Slow down snapper head, I will order when I'm ready.

Coprophagia and the Diet Battle

Here's a good one. A friend of mine absolutely refuses to eat in any buffet restaurant. He flat
refuses. Wont go if you buy, wont go if you paid him to go. He says that buffets are nasty beyond
his ability to justify eating in one. Every time someone suggests hitting the old Super China
Things on Sticks Buffet, he says "coprophagia" and keeps walking. I looked it up. It is the term
Veterinarians use when a dog eats his own- you know. My buddy says that the buffet line is
a breeding ground for germs and other nasties. Folks grabbing at the rolls with doo-doo hands,
and so forth. Sneezers. Choking on the banana pudding, sans handkerchief. They all use the
required "sneeze guard" and then let a six year old belly up unattended. I get his point, and I
know now that Doctors do as well. A person I know recently had a liver transplant. Of all the
crazy things you have to do to stay healthy after this procedure, one of the rules is to stay
the duck sauce OUT of the buffet restaurants. That's all the proof I need. However, its not
enough to keep me out. No, I am a hard core fat ass, and it would take much more for me to
resist. Like most fatties, I am sure that I eat because of the taste of the food, as oppossed to actually being hungry. That being said, I made a discovery while doing the ten seconds of research I normally do before writing these blogs. I looked up "coprophagia" and was bombed with several brands of medicines designed to treat the problem. How do they work, you ask?
They work by making the dogs crap, taste like crap to the dog. Was that a haiku? Wow! If there is a drug that can make what you are eating taste like crap, why are all diet drugs made of speed? I mean, they are all stimulants that make you burn fat by racing the shit out of your heart rate. If I just popped a pill that, instead, would make a Big Mac taste like dook, why would I need to burn fat? I wouldn't even want one. I eat because I like the taste of the food I choose. I am seriously considering trying that pill. Just for a day, to see what happens. Then I will start working on my constant need to hump my couch pillows.

It is the Distant Future-

I'm sorry, I was trying to find a nice "Lucinda console" type to look more futuristic. It is the distant future. All forms of cooking appliances including ovens, stove or range tops both gas or electric, woks and other steamers, even a simple toaster have been replaced. Replaced by the clean, modern, microwave. Nothing says delicious like a fourteen pound turkey, swirling and popping while basking in high frequency radiation. Mmmm. Put a wad of paper towels under it so you can catch all that gravy, and wring it out into a bowl. Nasty. What the hell was wrong with people in the eighties? I remember when my Grandpa bought one for my Grandmother for Christmas. We all huddled around it, talking excitedly about how fast we could cook now. The best part of a microwave, in my opinion, has always been the thousands of microwave "cook books" that came out when the device did. I love to thumb through the futuristic looking pages, reading about how to slam a rack of lamb in there for a few minutes, and have it pop out dressed for success. All capped and shit. We thought it was going to be like the Jetsons, like you maybe did not even have to put anything in it to get food to come out. Wow. The one I have now came with buttons on it to represent what food you were cooking. It has buttons for simple stuff like pop corn, and then goes nuts with buttons for lobster and shit. "Hey Baby, how bout' tossing a couple of those fresh Maine lobsters off in the microwave for dinner?" "Slam the door quick so they don't haul ass." I swear I have two uses for mine. Heating bottles or heating hot dogs. That's it. It has a button for the baby bottle, and I have seen them with the hot dog button. I wish it had a teleport button, so I could get back to the eighties and laugh at all the excited people buying them for Christmas gifts.

By the way:

The first microwave came out for commercial use in 1947. It was like everything in the forties, about six feet tall and 5000 pounds. The one in the picture below came out in 67, and I have even owned this model. I suspect that the big eighties microwave boom must have been about advertising, considering they certainly were not new. Also, early tests proved that they leak radiation (my pop had one that you could see through the crack in the door) but the FDA just "changed the standard" and decided a 20 second hot dog was more important than your health. I agree.

Some Foods will Make You Gay

I don't really believe that, but you will at least sound gay asking for them. Ever since the creation of the "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity" breakfast combo at Ihop, it seems as though it makes the advertisers laugh to make people say stupid shit to get the food they want. We have been taught that men cant drink bar drinks with fruit in them. Or umbrellas. And I feel funny even asking for my Red Lobster Admirals Feast broiled, instead of deep fried. Same goes for cotton candy. Corn dogs, or pretty much anything on a stick. Yogurt is OK, I guess, but it has many stupid names given to it. Granola bars, and most fruit. Bananas are the worst, phallic I guess. I always want a side salad, but rarely ask for it. ALL DESERTS ARE GAY. Same goes for any food with the name "oodles" in it. "Oodles of nuts!"

I go to lunch with the guys I work with. I pay attention to the waitress, and when you order something girly, they always laugh or make some crude and insensitive comment. Not the guys, the waitress. This tells me that I am correct. "I want the turkey Minis, and the salad bar" and "can I get asparagus spears instead of fries with it?" This may make you feel good about your health, and how good you will look when you start losing the weight. It WILL make you look good- like a pretty little girl. Long live grease. And I don't mean the musical.

I don't know why Americans are getting so fat. I mean, if you cant slam a few deep fried, sugar
dusted pieces of cheese cake whenever you feel like it, and still stay slim, then I just give up.
If I'm not laying the sarcasm on thick enough, let me just say this. If the fast food restaurants
put deep fried pork fat in a container with Spiderman on the side, people would eat it. We already have fried fat, its called cracklings, or pork rinds. So I'm not going to blame it on the industry anymore. The guy that made the movie "Supersize Me" was looking in the wrong direction. We all know what this kind of diet will do to you, we just don't know why we keep eating it anyway.

Hunting/Gathering

I heard someone say once, that men unknowingly decide where to shop for almost anything, based on what food is near by. Need new shoes? Hit the Shoe Carnival next to the Chinese buffet. Need spark plugs? They got a Taco Bell right next to the Autozone. Well, let me go ahead and add my two cents worth. I do this in full conscience. I don't even understand a dude that does not consider what food is around some pain in the ass errand he has been corn-holed into doing. I absolutely HATE Office Depot, but I love Chick Fillet. So I suck it up, and actually get excited about the biscuit I'm gonna knock down after (or before) I grab that copy paper. Today, I had to go to Walmart. But I knew they have a McDonald's inside, and I would be tearing up a double quarter with cheese before Ol' Sam Walton got his. Note: Did you know that Bill Gates was NOT the richest man in America, until the day that Sam Walton died? I think people knew Sam was rich, but he kept a lid on his shit. Gates must be a bragger. Sam was a pimp.

Its my party.

I originally said that I would not be posting recipes here. I still have not, though my Broham asked me to post his. I said I would, and I will post any recipe that a reader submits. The only rule is, keep it real. I dont want to see recipes for some smarmy crap you eat once a year, or made for your girlfriend once. I want to know what your eating when its late, and your all alone.

M.C.'s Recipe for Macaroni and Cheeseburger

Macaroni and cheeseburger Ingredients: One or two pounds of ground beefOne box of plain mac and cheese (store brand preferred)1/2 a stick of butter or spreadBlack pepper to tasteFirst prepare the macaroni and cheese. I find that it it best to over cook the pasta. This tends to make it fatter and will give you more in the end.When the pasta is ready, add the 1/2 stick of butter and cheese podwer. DO NOT ADD MILK! Milk is not needed for this dish, beside, milk is nasty anyway. Now, brown the ground beef and only drain half of the grease. Add the beef and drippings to the mac and cheese. Stir well and add black pepper to taste. Let stand for 2 minutes.This dish will serve about 3 Adults but make sure that you DON"T invite anyone to share it. Make sure you eat the whole dish in one sitting. This dish will expand in your stomach and make you really tired and depressed. Just go to sleep and don't worry about anything...you'll be alright.

God help me, it was for Charity.

I got invited to a charity luncheon today. Actually, I was taken to the lunch by my employer, and not so much "invited". It was nice. Several hundred people all together, eating, talking, having a nice break from work, while still technically at work. Now folks, you still don't know me that well, unless you DO know me, and you still like to read my crap. That's funny to me, because if you do know me, you get to endure my constant rambling anyway. Anyhoo- I was at the charity luncheon. I walked in, and saw all the games and raffle items that had been arranged. I tried to act like I wasn't straining to see what was on the menu. Luckily, someone else broke ranks and just headed on up there to the food line. I breathed a sigh of relief, and got my fat-ass in line as well. I stepped up to the table, and saw the bounty. Grilled chicken, slaw, beans, garlic bread, and all the appropriate sauces and what-not. I was pleased. Until I thrust out my plate, and was dished up the saddest little piece of dark meat chicken you have ever seen. It would have gave an Ethiopian the gas face. I kept my mouth shut, because I suddenly had a moment of clarity. Its a CHARITY LUNCH YOU IDIOT! They have spent the very least amount of money on the food and entertainment, to give more to the cause. There are, of course, very lavish charity events. These are usually for very rich people, and the organizers know that even if caviar is on the menu, they will still get back more for the cause than they spent on the party. Not for working folks. We get a paper plate, and a skinny chicken. I ate every microbe of the meal, and because I was with other guys who share my mindset and belt size, we drove straight to Wendy's. We hit the dollar menu, and rolled on some Biggie fries, chicken nuggets, and Jr. cheeseburgers. It was awesome. I felt bad for requiring two lunches, but good for not "hoggling" (my friends and I use that term for the act of eating beyond reason, it's not a real word, so I don't know how to spell it but it sounds like boggle-ing) down all the charity flakes. If your going to do something that others would call silly, or unnecessary, at least do it with buddies that will call it a great idea. Thanks for being there Wendy's, and thanks to my boys for going with me.

What DO you do with a drunken Sailor?

I think I may have scurvy. I have started to self diagnose, thanks to the Internet, and im beginning to put the symptoms together. I am always tired. I'm always out of breath. I bruise easily. I'm irritable, and don't get along with the other sailors. Well, I'm irritable anyway, but I don't live on a ship in the 1700's. I don't think I get enough vitamin C in my diet. I never eat fruit of any kind, and rarely eat green vegetables. Most of the vegetables I DO eat come from a can. And the only fruit I ever consume is squeezed into a vodka drink. I need someone to start putting vitamins into the quick-fast-in-a-hurry type junk I normally enjoy. Like Hamburger Helper, now "fortified with 11 essential vitamins". You cant put gravy on grapefruit. And green beans only really taste good in a beef stew. So, I guess I'm going to have to live with it. I will start learning a couple of sea-shanties, or maybe get some Flintstones vitamins. I could eat a whole bottle of those. Yarr Matey, yarr.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The beast has been born unto the world. I witnessed it in all of its unholy glory just this morning, and still I find myself near speachless. You see, I was forced into going to Hardees this morning for breakfast. Not forced as in "I dont like Hardees", hell, I love Hardees. But because my wife accidently threw away the "Little Smokies" sausages I was going to pitch into a pot of cheese grits. I couldnt eat the plain grits after I descovered the tragic loss. When I brought the groceries home (including the Smokies) my wife came into the kitchen to throw away the empty bags. She decided to put an old banana or two into one bag, to put into the trash. She was going to throw them out, and put the Smokies in the frige. Anyway, a switch occured when the door opened, and the black banana went in, the Smokies went in the trash. Now, just know that an accident like that would NEVER happen to me. My wife eats like a bird, and thus, does not care much about food. I got into the truck, and hauled ass for Hardees. When I rounded the drive through lane, there it was. I was shocked by the thought of it, maybe even more than the site. I stuttered and coughed, and ordered a country steak and cheese biscuit combo. I was not ready. In the picture I snapped (confusing the guy behind me) the image is blurrred, but its not the picture of the beast I wanted to show here. Its the ingrediants. A breakfast burrito- ham, bacon, sausage, eggs, cheese, hash rounds, and milk sausage gravy. All wrapped in a 920 calorie flour tortilla of death. I hear when you eat it, you can hear Angels sing. Wow.

Alright, lets get this party started.

Before I tell you what this site is all about, let me tell you what it ain't. It's not going to be a recipe site, unless we just come up with something so bad-ass that we have to share. Its not going to be one of those "diet journals" that are so popular right now. I know my food choices are crap, so I don't need to chronicle the dietary equation to explain why I'm fat, and I damn sure don't need to drag you into it. What it will be is a place to brag about the awesome things we create when we are hungry. Or drunk and hungry. I want pictures and emails sent to me when you just have to show someone what you tossed on that grill, or threw together from stuff in the fridge and freezer at two in the morning. If you made an enchilada the size of a cat, I want to see it. I have posted here a picture of what I ate for breakfast this morning. Its a chili and slaw dog from the gas station, with just a hint of cheese whiz. Washed it down with a diet (I know) Vault energy drink. Its pictured in the seat of my pickup truck, where I destroyed it as I ran 80 miles and hour to work. I didn't get a single bit on me, so it was a total success. I have to close now. I have a pot of Zatarans jambalaya on the stove, ready to go, and a cold Miller High Life getting warm as I speak. Y'all hit me up at heed3000@gmail.com with those pictures and words. I'm out!!!