Hunting/Gathering

I heard someone say once, that men unknowingly decide where to shop for almost anything, based on what food is near by. Need new shoes? Hit the Shoe Carnival next to the Chinese buffet. Need spark plugs? They got a Taco Bell right next to the Autozone. Well, let me go ahead and add my two cents worth. I do this in full conscience. I don't even understand a dude that does not consider what food is around some pain in the ass errand he has been corn-holed into doing. I absolutely HATE Office Depot, but I love Chick Fillet. So I suck it up, and actually get excited about the biscuit I'm gonna knock down after (or before) I grab that copy paper. Today, I had to go to Walmart. But I knew they have a McDonald's inside, and I would be tearing up a double quarter with cheese before Ol' Sam Walton got his. Note: Did you know that Bill Gates was NOT the richest man in America, until the day that Sam Walton died? I think people knew Sam was rich, but he kept a lid on his shit. Gates must be a bragger. Sam was a pimp.

Its my party.

I originally said that I would not be posting recipes here. I still have not, though my Broham asked me to post his. I said I would, and I will post any recipe that a reader submits. The only rule is, keep it real. I dont want to see recipes for some smarmy crap you eat once a year, or made for your girlfriend once. I want to know what your eating when its late, and your all alone.

M.C.'s Recipe for Macaroni and Cheeseburger

Macaroni and cheeseburger Ingredients: One or two pounds of ground beefOne box of plain mac and cheese (store brand preferred)1/2 a stick of butter or spreadBlack pepper to tasteFirst prepare the macaroni and cheese. I find that it it best to over cook the pasta. This tends to make it fatter and will give you more in the end.When the pasta is ready, add the 1/2 stick of butter and cheese podwer. DO NOT ADD MILK! Milk is not needed for this dish, beside, milk is nasty anyway. Now, brown the ground beef and only drain half of the grease. Add the beef and drippings to the mac and cheese. Stir well and add black pepper to taste. Let stand for 2 minutes.This dish will serve about 3 Adults but make sure that you DON"T invite anyone to share it. Make sure you eat the whole dish in one sitting. This dish will expand in your stomach and make you really tired and depressed. Just go to sleep and don't worry about anything...you'll be alright.

God help me, it was for Charity.

I got invited to a charity luncheon today. Actually, I was taken to the lunch by my employer, and not so much "invited". It was nice. Several hundred people all together, eating, talking, having a nice break from work, while still technically at work. Now folks, you still don't know me that well, unless you DO know me, and you still like to read my crap. That's funny to me, because if you do know me, you get to endure my constant rambling anyway. Anyhoo- I was at the charity luncheon. I walked in, and saw all the games and raffle items that had been arranged. I tried to act like I wasn't straining to see what was on the menu. Luckily, someone else broke ranks and just headed on up there to the food line. I breathed a sigh of relief, and got my fat-ass in line as well. I stepped up to the table, and saw the bounty. Grilled chicken, slaw, beans, garlic bread, and all the appropriate sauces and what-not. I was pleased. Until I thrust out my plate, and was dished up the saddest little piece of dark meat chicken you have ever seen. It would have gave an Ethiopian the gas face. I kept my mouth shut, because I suddenly had a moment of clarity. Its a CHARITY LUNCH YOU IDIOT! They have spent the very least amount of money on the food and entertainment, to give more to the cause. There are, of course, very lavish charity events. These are usually for very rich people, and the organizers know that even if caviar is on the menu, they will still get back more for the cause than they spent on the party. Not for working folks. We get a paper plate, and a skinny chicken. I ate every microbe of the meal, and because I was with other guys who share my mindset and belt size, we drove straight to Wendy's. We hit the dollar menu, and rolled on some Biggie fries, chicken nuggets, and Jr. cheeseburgers. It was awesome. I felt bad for requiring two lunches, but good for not "hoggling" (my friends and I use that term for the act of eating beyond reason, it's not a real word, so I don't know how to spell it but it sounds like boggle-ing) down all the charity flakes. If your going to do something that others would call silly, or unnecessary, at least do it with buddies that will call it a great idea. Thanks for being there Wendy's, and thanks to my boys for going with me.

What DO you do with a drunken Sailor?

I think I may have scurvy. I have started to self diagnose, thanks to the Internet, and im beginning to put the symptoms together. I am always tired. I'm always out of breath. I bruise easily. I'm irritable, and don't get along with the other sailors. Well, I'm irritable anyway, but I don't live on a ship in the 1700's. I don't think I get enough vitamin C in my diet. I never eat fruit of any kind, and rarely eat green vegetables. Most of the vegetables I DO eat come from a can. And the only fruit I ever consume is squeezed into a vodka drink. I need someone to start putting vitamins into the quick-fast-in-a-hurry type junk I normally enjoy. Like Hamburger Helper, now "fortified with 11 essential vitamins". You cant put gravy on grapefruit. And green beans only really taste good in a beef stew. So, I guess I'm going to have to live with it. I will start learning a couple of sea-shanties, or maybe get some Flintstones vitamins. I could eat a whole bottle of those. Yarr Matey, yarr.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The beast has been born unto the world. I witnessed it in all of its unholy glory just this morning, and still I find myself near speachless. You see, I was forced into going to Hardees this morning for breakfast. Not forced as in "I dont like Hardees", hell, I love Hardees. But because my wife accidently threw away the "Little Smokies" sausages I was going to pitch into a pot of cheese grits. I couldnt eat the plain grits after I descovered the tragic loss. When I brought the groceries home (including the Smokies) my wife came into the kitchen to throw away the empty bags. She decided to put an old banana or two into one bag, to put into the trash. She was going to throw them out, and put the Smokies in the frige. Anyway, a switch occured when the door opened, and the black banana went in, the Smokies went in the trash. Now, just know that an accident like that would NEVER happen to me. My wife eats like a bird, and thus, does not care much about food. I got into the truck, and hauled ass for Hardees. When I rounded the drive through lane, there it was. I was shocked by the thought of it, maybe even more than the site. I stuttered and coughed, and ordered a country steak and cheese biscuit combo. I was not ready. In the picture I snapped (confusing the guy behind me) the image is blurrred, but its not the picture of the beast I wanted to show here. Its the ingrediants. A breakfast burrito- ham, bacon, sausage, eggs, cheese, hash rounds, and milk sausage gravy. All wrapped in a 920 calorie flour tortilla of death. I hear when you eat it, you can hear Angels sing. Wow.

Alright, lets get this party started.

Before I tell you what this site is all about, let me tell you what it ain't. It's not going to be a recipe site, unless we just come up with something so bad-ass that we have to share. Its not going to be one of those "diet journals" that are so popular right now. I know my food choices are crap, so I don't need to chronicle the dietary equation to explain why I'm fat, and I damn sure don't need to drag you into it. What it will be is a place to brag about the awesome things we create when we are hungry. Or drunk and hungry. I want pictures and emails sent to me when you just have to show someone what you tossed on that grill, or threw together from stuff in the fridge and freezer at two in the morning. If you made an enchilada the size of a cat, I want to see it. I have posted here a picture of what I ate for breakfast this morning. Its a chili and slaw dog from the gas station, with just a hint of cheese whiz. Washed it down with a diet (I know) Vault energy drink. Its pictured in the seat of my pickup truck, where I destroyed it as I ran 80 miles and hour to work. I didn't get a single bit on me, so it was a total success. I have to close now. I have a pot of Zatarans jambalaya on the stove, ready to go, and a cold Miller High Life getting warm as I speak. Y'all hit me up at heed3000@gmail.com with those pictures and words. I'm out!!!